Time : 2020-09-22 00:34:55
Điểm: 6/10
Dear Mr. Timothy Lee,

I am very glad to receive your letter and know that you are a part of the Omega Music Group band. In the previous letter, I informed you that we will not allow your band to use the community hall. I am sorry for not giving any reason why your band cannot practice in the community hall. Therefore, as the manager of the community hall, I will explain clearly to you the reason why we will no longer be allowed your band to use the community hall.

Indeed, last week, I received a letter from Ministry of Youth Affairs and Sports. In the letter, they said that they would like to borrow our community hall to organize the aerobic tournament that will take place Monday through Thursday. In addition, they decided to donate all profits from ticket sales to help the homeless. I totally agreed with them. This is a reason why your band are not allowed to use the community hall any longer.

Actually, I know, this decision can affect your band. I am really sorry. However, as you wrote in the letter, you suggested that we can arrange for you any day of the week so that your band can rehearse. After checking the community hall schedule, the best alternative days for your band are Saturday and Sunday. I hope that this sudden change will not affect your band in rehearsal.

To be truthful, I highly appreciate you knowing that you have organized free concerts to raise funds for humanitarian activities. In reality, I also adore your band and I want to deduct a day's salary to send to your fund to join hands to contribute to these humanistic activities.

I hope you and the Omega Music Group band will be a small home for your students to develop their talents and they will become musicians in the future. Besides, I wish you and your band all success. If you and your band need any support, do not hesitate to let me know, I will try my best to help if possible.

Kind regards,
Mr. Ross

Nhận xét của giáo viên :

Dear Mr. Timothy Lee,

I am very glad to receive your letter and know that you are a part of the Omega Music Group band. In the previous letter, I informed you that we will not allow your band to use the community hall. I am sorry for not giving any reasons nên dùng danh từ số nhiều why your band cannot practice in the community hall nếu viết như vậy, bạn sẽ bị mâu thuẫn ý khi kết hợp ý sau (1 ý xin lỗi không giải thích, 1 ý khẳng định do đó bạn sẽ giải thích). Therefore, as the manager of the community hall, I will explain clearly to you the reasons why we will no longer be allowed your band dùng thể chủ động to use the community hall.

Indeed, last week, I received a letter from Ministry of Youth Affairs and Sports . In the letter, they said that they would like to borrow which informed that our community hall will be used (bạn nên dùng mệnh đề quan hệ để nối ý và dùng thể bị động để khẳng định đó là yếu tố bắt buộc chứ không phải thể hiện vì họ muốn mượn mà bạn không cho ban nhạc luyện tập nữa) to organize the aerobic tournament that will take place Monday through Thursday chú ý giới từ chỉ thời gian, dùng from ...to. In addition, they decided to donate all profits from ticket sales to help the homeless. I totally agreed with them bạn nhạc cũng làm vì mục đích từ thiện, tại sao lại coi trọng bên này mà từ chối bên kia--> không hợp lý . This is a reason why your band are not allowed to use the community hall any longer.

(Actually, I know, this decision can affect your band. I am really sorry. However, as you wrote in the letter, you suggested that we can arrange for you any days of the week so that your band can rehearse. After checking the community hall schedule, the best alternative days for your band are Saturday and Sunday. I hope that this sudden change will not affect your band in rehearsal.) nên dùng từ nối therefore để nối với đoạn trên (vì hội trường dành cho ...từ thứ 2 đến thứ 5, cho nên chúng tôi chỉ có thể sắp xếp cho bạn vào ...)
 
To be truthful, I highly appreciate you knowing that you have organized free concerts to raise funds for humanitarian activities. In reality, I also adore your band and I want to deduct a day's salary to send to for your fund to join hands sủ dụng quá nhiều to V nên hơi rối ý to contribute to these humanistic activities.

I hope you and the Omega Music Group band will be a small home for your students to develop their talents and they will become musicians in the future. Besides, I wish you and your band all success. If you and your band need any support, do not hesitate to let me know, I will try my best to help if possible.

Kind regards,
Mr. Ross

Nhìn chung, bạn triển khai ý, tiếp cận và xử lý vấn đề tương đối ổn. Tuy nhiên, cách sắp xếp ý, cách chọn lọc ý để tổng thể bài viết mạch lạc thì chưa ổn lắm. Có 1 số ý, bạn diễn đạt rất dễ gây nhầm lẫn thông tin cho người đọc. Hãy cố gắng hơn nhé.

Điểm: 6.5