(Whispers) Merry Christmas.
Enough.
Enough now.
What the hell are you doing here?
You're supposed to be at Elton John's.
Well, I was there for a minute or two
and then I had an epiphany.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Come on. Just come up.
So what was this epiphany?
Erm, it... it was about Christmas.
You realised it was all around.
No. I realised that Christmas is the time
to be with the people you love.
Right.
here I am,
mid-fifties,
and without knowing it,
I've spent most of my adult life with a chubby employee. (Snorts)
And, much as it grieves me to say it,
it might be that the people I love is, in fact...
you.

Well, this is a surprise.
Yeah.
Ten minutes at Elton John's and you're gay?
No, look. I'm serious here.
I left Elton's and a hefty number
of half-naked chicks with their mouths open
in order to hang out with you at Christmas.
- Well, Bill...
- It's a terrible, terrible mistake, chubs...
but you turn out to be
the fucking love of my life.
And to be honest,
despite all my complaining...
we have had a wonderful life.
Well...
thank you.

I mean, come on, it's been an honour.
I feel very proud.
Oh, look, don't be a moron.
Come on, let's get pissed and watch porn.
(Natalie) 'Dear sir, Dear David,
'Merry Christmas and I hope you have
a very happy New Year.
'I'm very sorry
about the thing that happened.
'It was a very odd moment
and I feel like a prize idiot.
'Particularly because -
'if you can't say it at Christmas,
when can you, eh? -
'I'm actually yours. With love, your Natalie.'
Jack, yeah, I need a car.
Right now. Thank you.
Oh, don't wait up.
I'd like to go to Wandsworth, the dodgy end.
Very good, sir.
(Terry) Harris Street. What number, sir?
(David) Oh, God, it's the longest street
in the world and I have absolutely no idea.
Hello, does Natalie live here?
- No.

- Right, fine, thank you. Sorry to disturb.
Here, aren't...
Aren't you the Prime Minister?
- Er, yes. In fact, I am. Merry Christmas.
- Oh.
Part of the service now. Trying to get round
everyone by New Year's Eve.
Ah. Hello. Does Natalie live here?
- No, she doesn't.
- Oh dear. OK.
- Are you singing carols?
- Er, no. No, I'm not.
- Please, sir, please.
- Please.
Well, I suppose I could.
- All right.
- Hello. Sorry to disturb.
- Does Natalie live here?
- No.
She lives next door.
Ah. Brilliant.
You're not who I think you are, are you?
Yes and I'm sorry about all the cockups.
My cabinet are absolute crap.
We hope to do better next year.
Merry Christmas to you.
- Ah. Hello.
Is, er, Natalie in?
Oh, where the fuck is my fucking coat?
- Oh. Hello.
- Hello.
Erm, this is my mum and my dad
and my Uncle Tony and my Auntie Glynne.

- Hello.
- Very nice to meet you.
And, erm... this is the Prime Minister.
Yes, we can see that, darling.
And erm, unfortunately, we're very late.
It's the school Christmas concert,
you see, David.
All the local schools have joined together,
even St Basil's...
- Too much detail, Mum.
- Anyway, how can we help, sir?
Well, I... just needed Natalie...
on some state business.
- Oh.
- Right, yes. Of course.
Well, perhaps you should
come on later, Plumpy.
Er, Natalie.
I don't want to make you late for the concert.
- No, it's nothing, really.
- Keith'll be very disappointed.
- No, really, it doesn't matter.
- The octopus costume's taken me months.
Eight is a lot of legs, David.
Listen, why don't I give you a lift
and then we can talk about
this state business business in the car.
OK.
- Lovely, yes.
- Thank you.

Hold tight, everybody.
- How far is this place?
- Just round the corner.
Ah, right. Well, er...
I just wanted to say...
thank you for the Christmas card.
You're welcome.
Look, I'm so sorry about that day.
I came in and he slinked towards me ]
and he's the President of the United States
and nothing happened, I promise.
I just felt like such a fool because...
I think about you all the time, actually.
- And I think you're the man that I really...
- We're here.
...Iove.
- Oh, wow.
That really was just round the corner. Er...
Well, look, I...
I think I'd better not come in, you know?
Nobody wants some politician
stealing the kids' thunder
No, please come. It'll be great.
No, I'd... I'd better not.
But I will be very sorry
to drive away from you.
Just give me one second

Come on in. We can watch from backstage.
OK. Terry, I won't be long
Look, this has to be a very secret visit, OK?
Don't worry. This was my school.
I know my way around. Come on.
- Oh, David.
- Ah!
Oh, how are you?
Hi, guys. Hey, hey, hey. You all right?
What the hell are you doing here?
- Well, you know...
I thought it was time I did.
I didn't want anyone to see,
so I'm gonna hide somewhere.
Good luck, Daisy, good luck, Bernie.
I've never been gladder
to see my stupid big brother.
- Thank you.
- All right.

Oh, now. We haven't been introduced.
Right. Well, this is Gavin.
- Hello, Gavin.
- My copper.
And this is Natalie, who's my, erm...
- who's my, erm, catering manager.
- Oh.
- Hi.
- Catering manager.
Watch he keeps his hands off you.
20 years ago, you'd have been his type.
I'll be very careful. Don't try something, sir,
just because it's Christmas.
- No, seriously.
Come on. Showtime. Quickly.
- Look, see you after, yeah?
- Probably.
- Thank you, Prime Minister.
- It's all right.
- Come on.
Hillier School would now like to present
their Christmas number.
Lead vocals by ten-year-old Joanna Anderson
backing vocals coordinated by her mother,
the great Mrs Jean Anderson.
Thank you.

(A capella) I don't want a lot for Christmas
There's just one thing I need
I don't care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas
Is you
Right.
So, not quite as secret as we'd hoped.
- What do we do now?
- Smile.
Little bow.
And a wave.